Most lives are spent waiting. Waiting for dreams to manifest, for trouble to end, and for life to be happy. Golden Zen reflects on the brillance of the NOW and the winks we receive from our Source to remind us we possess it all. Golden Zen is practical and mystical, instructive and reflective. You are my invited guest.

Posts tagged ‘control’

7 TOP TIPS ON HOW TO LET GO (pt 3 of series)

NOTE TO READERS: Due to the short week I had from my last weekend fiasco, the FRIDAY FIASCO post will not be available for this week.

(Part 3:The Art of BEING in my Own Business)
Thanks to the community of readers and commenter’s and a few thoughts from Ginger and me, we have created a series of articles about control.  We have discussed what is not in our control, what is in our control, and now – how to let go.

Have you ever tried to let go of: your child’s hand on a busy street, a $100 bill for a non-fat latte, a lotto ticket that has winning numbers, or an injustice suffered by your much beloved spouse on the job?  It’s not easy. 

Things get sticky, glued, tight, wedged, fixed, chained, hooked, pinned; life get’s stuck.

Well today is your “let-go” day!  Get ready to celebrate with my top seven suggestions for letting go without getting lost.

TOP 7 TIPS FOR LETTING GO:

7. Write letters of release to those that have wronged you. 
Dear Sarah,
What you said in the staff meeting last month has been bugging the *&^% out of me and I have a few choice comments for you….

Once completed, read them over.  Laugh, cry, cuss or spit, but then, LET IT GO. (Don’t Mail It)

6. Clean out unrelated garbage and watch how YOU change.
Go for the garage, the closet, the trunk of your car, the storage locker or your desk drawer.  Clean it out; throw away what has passed, and give away excess and live light and lean, and then, LET IT GO.

5. Make a list of all the things you regret. 
Be thorough.  Go back to the list several times until it’s exhaustive.  Failed relationships, the shoes you should have bought, the house you lost, the job you passed by, or the kiss you stole.  Write how you feel about your regrets now, and then, LET IT GO

4. Call up loved ones and tell them how much they mean to you. 
Those closest to us can certainly give us reason to control.  But you’re on a LIG mission, so you want to give them permission to be themselves, while you are honoring yourself.  Love them for who they are, even if they don’t offer you the same in return, and then, LET IT GO.

3. Ask yourself and then write down what are the most meaningful things in your life  and next to the item write a number from one to ten, one being the minimum and ten the maximum.  How much energy do you invest in each of the meaningful items in your life?  Do you like what you see?  Is anything or anyone being neglected?  Focus on what is important in your own estimation and then, LET THE REST GO.

2. Decide that one day a week will be the day you focus on all the things or people which you are letting go.  On this day, you give thanks all day for the power in you to focus on what brings you life and peace and goodness, and to let go of all that hinders you in your life.  Keep a journal about this day – watch for progress in how you feel, and keep LETTING IT GO.

1. And the number 1 tip- BE TRANSPARENT.  Think like the wind or clouds and become that transparent.  What comes at you, simply finds no resistance.  You allow it to come, and go, without judgment or the need to censor.  You just watch it, as though you are an observer of your feelings and actions, and decide to be without resistance.  You can choose to allow others to be themselves without it defining who you are, or what you are worth, and then you can LET IT GO.

Of course, we would all love to hear your tips.  How do you find the moxy to let it go today, and when it comes back later on to see if you changed your mind?

In the Grace of the Moment,

Harmony

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The Power Broker Bust (pt 2 of 4)

Somethings I Just Don’t Control

There is an art to controlling what you can, and letting go of the rest.  I call it BEING in your own business.  So much time is wasted focusing on what is not in our control, that we are left fatigued, emotionally depleted, and oftentimes depressed.  It feels helpless to be in a driver’s seat, with no power to move.  It can leave you exhausted.  It is a power broker bust!

I have listed 5 VERY IMPORTANT “NOT MY BUSINESS” reminders later in this article, but first let’ see what you had to say.

You don't always get to drive!

You don't always get to drive!

I asked some of the Goldenzen community if I could repeat some of the comments they made in the recent article “Are You A Control Freak” in today’s article.  They graciously agreed to share their wisdom.  

Here is what they had to say, somewhat “harmonized”:

Robin of Let’s Live Forever: She is not responsible for what food her spouse puts in his mouth!
(It’s tough enough watching our own bellies!)

Davina of Loving Pulse: A self-confessed control freak says what other people’s attitudes are is not her business.

Gloria Chadwick of Zen Coffee: “  You can’t control other people or situations. You’re in charge of your emotions, your actions and reactions.”  (Now she is exceptionally bright due to the Zen + Coffee strategy she adheres to so we would expect as much from her!)                       

The Urban Panther at (you guessed it) The Urban Panther: Admitted to being slightly “catty” about accurate and inaccurate blog posting – however, says she knows it is not her business to insure that others write open and honest blog posts.

ToBeMe at ToBeMe (I forgot to email for his permission, but he and I go way back, so I think I am good here) said, most profoundly I think, that he is not responsible for the decisions his adult children make.  (for those of us that have them, this one is a toughie!)

Barbara Swafford at Blogging Without A Blog (although she seems to have quite a good one!) said: Choices that are made by someone else are not her business. Period.  Unless, they agree to choose together and then it’s a joint venture.

Lance at The Jungle Of Life bravely said “Its not my business to be overly concerned with what others think of me.”  (Maybe a wee bit off concern is okay? :-))

Stacey at Create A Balance shared: “One thing that is not my business is how others take care of their health.” (Again, ours does seem to be a full time job!)

Late Breaking News: Writer Dad, now known as Sean, at Writer Dad arrived on the scene with a comment I just can’t pass up: “If I’m not where I’d like to be, a good place to start looking for reasons why are the last several decisions I made.”  (Ouch! So what is now OUT of my control is a consequence perhaps of what I did with what was in my control!)

Five Additional Totally Out Of My Control, Not my Business and Completely Draining Scenarios:  

 (WARNING: Content may be offensive to some readers- which, by the way, is none of my business!)

1. What the weather is doing.  Why would I allow rain, snow, wind, cold, sun, or other basic weather patterns to affect my mood for the day – when I am powerless to change it?  (Hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes are exempt.  You can worry about that. :-))

2. Global economy I can save, spend, invest, work hard or work little and effect my own economic life to degree, but what Wall Street does, and how it affects my world, is out of my control- therefore not my business.

3. If my lover stays true to me– How can I control that?  Tie a string around his ankle?  Make her take a polygraph test every night?  What you can control is how you respond, how secure you are in yourself, how trusting you choose you can be with others.

4. If I get promoted over the next person – I can do my best, offer my all or offer very little, and experience reward based on merit.  But life rarely rewards according to merit – so the outcome is up to someone else, and my power is in what I do from there.

5. If I die.  People get so off balance on this subject.  My dear readers – you can take supplements, run a few miles four times a week, get a lot of good sex for the prostrate, eat organic, and meditate hours a day – and still die. You don’t control it, so it’s not your business.  This particular fear is the source of much of today’s behaviors, that paradoxically, shorten one’s life through obsessive worry and stress.

The more you let go, the more power you have.  It seems so simple that it appears on surface irresponsible.  But in reality, detachment from outcome is the most powerful tool in your toolbox – and that is your business!

In our next post let’s look at HOW and WHEN do you let go?  Do you have strategies for chillin’ out and “letting it go” that have worked for you that you care to share with a VERY ATTENTIVE audience?  We are listening! 

In the Grace of the Moment,

Harmony

PS.  THANK YOU SO MUCH to the t photograpers whose talents bless us with such good imagery of verbal communication:   http://www.flickr.com/photos/42972350@N00/  – Alatriste (child in the drivers seat)

The Art Of BEING in My Own Business – Part 1

When is it my Business?

In our introduction to this series, we discussed the idea around CONTROL or
the feeling that somehow we are in charge of our surroundings.  In fact, we are not really in control of all that much!

What we do control (or what is our business) is ourselves from the inside out (at least partly), and that is the topic of discussion for today.

Here are 5 things I can list that are my business, and therefore to some degree, are in my control.

1. How I feel about going to work in the morning.
2. How I respond to unfair criticism
3. How I choose to relate to my neighbors
4. Where I spend my grocery money
5. What I say I want when I am asked, “what would you like?”

Let’s take a closer look:

How I feel about going to work in the morning:
Here is the truth of the matter: I don’t really dig going to a job in the morning.  I much prefer my work at home lifestyle.  But, due to unforeseen circumstances, there have been times when “I owe, I owe, it’s off to work I go!” has been my theme song.  How I feel when I go to the closet, slide my jacket on, and grab the keys as I head out the door, is totally mine to own.  I can be grateful for the opportunities I have to make some progress and learn while I do, or I can choose to be miserable because I hate the job, and suffer my way through.  It is my business.

How I choose to respond is my businness
How I respond to criticism:  
It hurts or maybe it doesn’t have too?  The only reason it hurts is because somehow I give it power to hurt.  Unfair criticism is after all, someone else’s opinion.  Is that my business?  What I think of myself and the person who spoke, that is my business.  I can choose, as Eckhart Tolle suggests, to be transparent. Their words find no matter, no resistance, no one to hurt.  If I know who I am, and I am in connection with myself, I am able to allow others their opinion without it having much to do with me.  It may sting for a second, and then I remember, who I am.  That’s all I need to know.
BE THE PEACE YOU LONG TO SEE
How I choose to relate to my neighbors:
I read a wonderful post this week by a woman who was discussion intention.  She offered to the readers that one of her daily practices was to offer 85 “Rakas”, or intentions or prayers for her neighbors.  She intended that gentle rains of blessing would be theirs. She said she never has to work on peaceful relations with them, because after you pray for them every day, with 85 repetitions, YOU are peace.

No one can drive me crazy.  It is my business to choose, and I can choose to hate, resent, bear grudges, be intolerant, be rude or to ignore, if I want to.  That is my business.
(Of course, I can choose to enjoy also.)

Where I spend my grocery money:  
I personally cannot control global economy, but I can make choices about how I spend my money. I can shop where they supply local options, organic selections, and sustainable solutions.  That is my business.  Or, I can choose to eat at fast food joints and sip on milkshakes while driving to work.  If I want to go to a concert, and money is tight, I can choose to shop economically, and save enough to go to the concert, or I can complain to everyone I know that there is never enough money to do what you want.  How I respond to my bank account – that is my business.  Where I spend my money, is in my control.            
                                                          
What I say I want when I am asked, “What would you like?”
I personally have struggled with this one most of my life.  I remember when I was married and raising children, my husband would be driving, and the kids would be in the back seat of the mini van.

“Where would you like to go to eat,” he would ask respectfully.  You could hear the kids sigh in the back seat.  They knew we were in for a ride- and not in the van!  “Well, I don’t really care.  Let’s go where you and the kids want to go,” I replied with modesty and charm. 

“Okay, Dad, let’s go to Burger King!”  My daughter loved the fast food joints.  My immediate response was, “Oh honey, not tonight.”

“Anyone for Denny’s?”  Silly husband suggested.  He thought I really meant it when I said I didn’t have a preference.  He assumed that when I said, “not really”, it meant not really.  

I remember years of me not saying what I wanted when asked because I wanted to please others, but really, I didn’t want to take responsibility for pleasing myself.  I wanted someone else to do that for me.  The unspoken deal was this: I please you – you please me. 

Taking the time to be honest, to say what I want when I am asked is my business.

IT’S YOUR TURN

You must have some “doosies”.  Let’s save the ‘What’s not my Business’ for next time, and this time, share your list of ‘What is my business’.  We could learn a lot from each other.

In the Grace of the Moment,
Harmony

 
PS. Interested in learning about TRIPLE WIN STRATEGY?  Learn how business is being reshaped through consumersim to global citizenship. Find out how at one of my other blogs: THE BEST LIFE blog for business.

Many thanks to Lynne at flickr for the money photo.  See her photostream at http://www.flickr.com/photos/your_teacher/1040476355/   And thank you to Casey Broadwater for the photographic look into a “neighborhood.”  See her work at http://www.flickr.com/photos/thewoodstove/

Are You a “CONTROL FREAK”?

Control. 

What does it mean when someone says that you are “too controlling” or,
“Look Jane, this is out of your control!”

Two seal pups deciding who is in control!

Two seal pups deciding who is in control!

Out of our pop psychology generation, we picked up a lot of terms that show we really understand what is going on.  (Or NOT)

  • “This is my issue, not yours.”
  • “It’ not you, it’s me.” (Thank God Dr. Seinfeld and Georgie taught us that one!)
  • I need some “downtime” or a “time-out”
  • I don’t feel “centered”

Right up there with “unresolved anger,” and “significant other” is a term we have become quite familiar with – c.o.n.t.r.o.l.

The dictionaries suggest we think of phrases like “to be in the driver’s seat” or “hold the reins” to help us get a mental picture of what it means to control.

But I suggest another approach.

Is it my business? 

Being in control means= that I make everything MY BUSINESS.

Maybe it’s not my business and not in my control.  It could be my neighbors business, or God’s business – but it’s often not MY BUSINESS.

For the next few posts I would like to explore with you the ART OF BEING IN MY OWN BUSINESS.

Can you let it go?

Can you let it go?

Will you help?  What I am asking of each reader is to take just a moment or two and comment telling us one thing you know is your business, and one thing you know is NOT your business even though you might be tempted to make it so. 

Then if you will, subscribe to the comments RSS for this post and keep an eye on what others are saying.  If you find that it triggers yet another “this is my business” comment, or “this is not my business” comment in you, please come back and comment again.  (You can certainly UNSUBSCRIBE to the comments whenever you are tired of it all. (that is easily done in the email where the RSS notice arrives)

You never know, what you share might not be something someone else really needed to read.

I am going to kick it off, by sharing in the first comment below with the Goldenzen avatar .  Take a look – make it your business to know! 🙂

Upcoming Blog Entries: The Art Of Being In My Own Business    

  • When is it My Business?
  • What is Not My Business?
  • How Can I Let it Go?
  • When Should I Let It Go?
  • Help, it’s back!

Thanks for your participation!
In the Grace of the Moment,

Harmony

PS  Does all the news about stocks plummeting, banks closing and economic distress drive you to your own  “controlling issues”?  Check out my latest post: ECONOMIC MELTDOWN at the Best Life Blog.

Thank you to G’na at Flicker for the animal photo – http://www.flickr.com/photos/g-na/2344863442/ your gift sure helps me share mine much more effectively.   Her photostream of animals is beautiful!

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